I’ve seen evidence this week that Moose is beginning to have the breakthrough I’ve been praying for for so long. And it’s not just me; his teacher (after only one week back in school) said that she thinks he’s having a breakthrough, too.

He’s been talking so much more, at home and at school. Counting, identifying objects, repeating, saying *all* of his bedtime prayers, using his manners, even saying the letters in his name. This stuff is fantastic–he’s still nowhere near the level of speech a child of his age should be, but he’s improved so much from where he was!

He still doesn’t have the words to express himself–his feelings, his wants, what’s bothering him–which is, of course, what we’re working towards. But I did see  a single sign last weekend that tells me he may be getting there. In the middle of a meltdown, in which he was shrieking like he does when he’s upset or mad about something, he said a single word–“car.” This may not sound like a big deal, but he had dropped a toy car and couldn’t reach it, thus the meltdown. That’s the first time I have *ever* heard him put a word to anything causing a meltdown, and this is huge! Even if it was just a one-time thing for now, he was able to put a word to his feelings, and that may be the biggest breakthrough of them all!

For the last, I don’t know, year-and-a-half to two years that I realized Moose wasn’t talking the way he should, I’ve experienced many sorrows over his lack of speech. Not knowing what he was thinking or feeling, not knowing what kinds of things he knew or understood, even something simple, like not really knowing what his speaking voice sounds like. That’s slowly been improving over the last year-plus–he still doesn’t really have words to express his feelings or what he wants, but he is starting to identify stuff, and we are getting an idea of his voice. These are great improvements!

But, I’ve discovered a new heartache, and this one is possibly worse. He is trying so hard to talk, and maybe he’s even trying to tell me what he’s thinking. But I can’t understand him. He will stand there and look at me with this very serious expression, and try to say *something* but I don’t know what it is. It’s heart-breaking not to be able to understand your own child, especially when he’s trying so hard to tell you something.

Before, I felt bad for him, because he seemed trapped inside a world without speech, but on the other hand, he didn’t seem to mind. When he wasn’t really trying to talk, and didn’t really seem to care if he did or not, it was hard on me, as a mother, but he seemed blissfully unaware of his struggle. But now, he has something to say, and the person that should be able to understand him best can’t figure out what he’s saying, much less people who are around him less. And I can only assume that even if it hasn’t bothered him yet, as he tries to tell me stuff more, with little to no success, it’s going to frustrate him.

Hopefully, now that he is talking, his speech therapist at school will be able to help him become more understandable. He clearly has things to say, and his mommy really wants to hear it!