I have discovered that this fifth baby is the most similar to the first, and in many ways, I feel like I’m starting completely over.

I guess it’s because of the amount of time that has passed since my last pregnancy, but it seems as though I’ve forgotten everything. What medications are safe to take, what’s on the do-not-eat list, what symptoms are normal–it all seems new to me.

I’m also suffering from paranoia similar to that of my first pregnancy. I assume that this is mostly due to the loss I suffered in March, although I’m sure it’s also partly due to the length of time since my last pregnancy. But I worry about this one more than I have since the first pregnancy. I question every twinge and symptom, I panic at the doctor’s office each visit, (until I actually hear the heartbeat), even though I have no reason to, I worry about what could go wrong between now and the due date. I know that this worry is not good, and is pointless, and is all stuff that probably won’t happen. But I just can’t help myself.

And then there’s the issue of starting over in a material sense. I got rid of all of my maternity clothes, so I’ve had to start over in that regard. But with the first pregnancy, at least, I knew that there would be many more pregnancies to follow, so I didn’t mind spending money on clothes. This time, however, I’m trying to buy as few things as possible, since they’ll only be used, (by me at least), for one pregnancy. This translates into a very limited maternity wardrobe.

And then there’s the issue of things for the baby. We got rid of most of our baby stuff, either due to recalls, (both of our cribs), expiration dates, (infant car seats), or plain old use, (high chair and swing). The only thing we really have is plenty of clothes, (although a lot of those fit in the worn category, too), and that’s only because I’ve been too lazy to sort through them, and figure out which sentimental items should be kept, while the rest are donated. I think I’m actually going to have to create a registry, (something else I haven’t really done since the first), just to keep track of everything we’re going to need to buy, or I’ll forget something for sure!

It’s weird feeling like a first-timer when this is going to be our fifth birth. I imagine that feeling will also carry through to the newborn stage, because I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten everything I know about infants, too!